Episode 10: How 2 students from Louisiana went to Arizona for an internship and fell in love
A platform for couples to share their love stories and for single to find hope.
Daniel and Kendra are a powerful black couple that has been married for 21 years. They are a beautiful couple from Arizona and they help other couples make their marriages work.
Kendra's Book Recommendation from this episode:
1) The Power of a Praying wife/ The Power of a Praying husband by Stormie Omartian
2) 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman
3) Drop the ball by Tiffany Dufu
How 2 students from Louisiana came to Arizona for an internship and fell in love
Kanu:Welcome to Real Love, Real Stories TV, andPodcast, a platform for sharing love stories and for finding hope. I am Kanu, I am the host and you are listening to episode number ten. This week’s episode is brought to you by our very own store on Shopify, it’s called Real Love Real Stories. In this store,you will find that conversation starter t-shirt that you haveask for. As a single person if you wear out and about one of these t-shirts you’ll be sure to start a conversation with another single person. So when you visit our store and you find what you like go ahead and enter episode ten that’s episodeand then 1-0 and you’ll get your 10% discount. Now let me introduce you to our couple for this episode,Danieland Kendra. Enjoy their love story. Ok, so welcome Daniel and Kendra to episode ten.
Kendra:Thank you, yes we are so happy to be here.
Daniel:Thank you for having us.
Kanu:To start off with maybe you two can share what you love journey has been like. When did it start and how did it even start?
Daniel:I came out to Arizona working as an intern and while I was out here in Arizona I think about the second time or so she came into college, alright? So she came into college…the recruiter that recruited me for Intelcame back to our college and recruited her. So while I was out there for the summer she ended up coming out that same summer and we met, here in Chandler Arizona; actually,we’re in Gilbert now but we were in Chandler Arizona. So we met…Kendra was is at your apartment that I met you? Yeah, so I went over to her apartment,
Daniel:She cooked, it was some delicious chicken.
Kendra:He’s saying that because it was actually not delicious.
Daniel:Yeah it was a little undercooked but that’s ok.
Kanu:It was undercooked.
Daniel:She is way better than that now, yeah. So we met then and there were no romantic shenanigans going on at the time, she actually said I was…what did you say?
Kendra:I didn’t say you were anything.
Kendra:No no I did not.
Daniel:Yeah you said I was stuck up.
Kendra:I never said that.
Daniel:That’s what I remembered.
Kendra:I never said that.
Daniel:I was like I don’t know how you got that you know I was kind of introvert myself. And that’s how we met. So we met and then the way we…do you have anything to add to that story?
Kanu:How did you guys get to where she was cooking for you some chicken? Did I miss something there? Like how did you get to that?
Kendra:It was just a…it was like some interns we got together that summer just to hang out.
Kanu: [Inaudible 3:07].
Kendra: I was cooking for everybody and he just happensto be one of the people that came over.
Daniel:So we all got a little bit of the undercooked chicken. It was a fun time, we had a good time, and that’s when I started to started to get to know her to get to know her. Yeah
Kanu:Ok, so then at what point ahead did you think well, I kind of like her even though she not a very good cook but, you know, I want to ask her out, what point was that?
Daniel:Well it was a long time ago. I don’t remember exactly when. There was one email…she reminded me about the email that I sent to her and so between the time I met her and that email I guess I had started to you know really you know to startfeeling a connection. The email…what did the email say?
Kendra:So this was this was back in the 1993, well it was 1994, it was in 1994 when I met Daniel, so that was 24 years ago. During that time, believe it or not, this was when the internet was just becoming a thing, it really wasn’t a thing at that point. Microsoft Word was just becoming a thing at companies that they use and so I didn’t even know what an email was until I got to college. So in 93 is the first time I sent an email to anyone and so that was just kind of like the way people communicated more through email back then.
So we were both interns and we had been spending time together in a group becauseyou know, for those of you that are watching that maybe or listening that, if you ever done an internship at a company before had a summer job or whatever you know all the people around the same age they kind of tend to kind of group together and just do a lot of fun things and outings together. We did trips together like to the Grand Canyon because all of were here none of us were native Arizonans so we, we were just exploring. So we spent a lot of time together in groups.
I ’m honestlynot really sure when we kind have started just doing things, just the two of us but, I think it was when we went out to lunch because we use to go to Native New Yorker and get wings as a group all of us as interns. So for all the women watching you know when a man is watching you. So I know I feel like that was the first time I noticed that he noticed me, and then he’d not long after that he sent me an email where he said something like to the effect that I was thinking about you, and I don’t even remember what else he said because that was such a long time ago.
Daniel:That was the part that got you.
Kendra:Yeah. So that’s how I knew that was the flirtatious part right.
Daniel:That wasn’t noflirt.
Kendra:That was the confirmation of what was in my brain that you definitely were interested. So yeah so then we went to lunch, he askedme to lunch that day.
Kanu:I love it, so at that timeyou didn’t think he was stuck up anymore right?
Kendra:No! And I’ve never thought that I don’t know why he saying that, what it… what I thought was when he came to my apartment, it was a really tall guy that, we’re friends with and it was him. And so immediately I notice the tall guy, I didn’t really notice him, and my husband is tall, he is taller than me but this guy was like 6 over 6 feet tall, so I notice him but I didn’t notice him. I don’t remember saying he was stuck up, but maybe I did say that.
Daniel:Yep. So I think you, we had a conversation later on when you were like that kinda runningthrough your mind.
Kendra:Oh Ok, but you wasbut you wasso quiet.
Daniel:Maybe you said standoff [Inaudible 7:03]I don’t know which [Inaudible 7:05].
Kendra:I don’t either.
Kanu:I love it. So how long did your dates been before you got to, the proposal?
Kendra:We dated for three and a half years.
Kendra:Yeah so we so again… I was only 18 when I met Daniel so, think about… I mean I when I got married I was 21, though maybe it was two and a half years that we dated.
Daniel:So, well it depends on when you say the dating starts so.
Kendra:We started in the summer of 93.
Daniel:That summer right?
Kendra:I mean the summer of 94.
Daniel:Summer of 94. We got married, we got engaged and.
Kendra:Yeah a year before.
Daniel:A year before we got married.
Daniel:Ok we got married in [crosstalk 7:55].
Kendra:So we got married in 97, so 96 is when we got engaged. So we dated for like two, two and a half years,before we got engaged.
Kanu:Oh ok. So, Daniel how did you propose?
Daniel:I was at her parent’s house, and, I asked her dad… I don’t remember this correctly I asked her dad if, he was ok with me asking her to marry me. He said “yes”, and then I asked her, Right? So then I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me and she said “maybe”.
Kendra:No I didn’t, I did not. I said yes yes, I say yes he did it in my, he proposedto me in my parent’s kitchen. There was no like fancy, proposals back then where you do all this, stuff that people do now and, photograph it so we don’t have any pictures of anything.
Daniel:Yeah, I didn’t have an IPhone.
Kendra:Yeah, you didn’t have a cell phone back then.
Daniel:I had a pager and you couldn’t do much with that, I guess I could [Inaudible 8:59].
Kanu:But I think that’s sweet though, I mean if you proposed to [Inaudible 9:03]in her parent’s kitchen. I think that’s really sweet.
Kendra:it was extremely sweet, yeah I mean and we were young, I mean very very young, and I mean my parents they said yes, but they were nervous about it you know.
Kendra:I haven’t finished college, I hadn’t finished college,when we got engaged [crosstalk 9:21].
Daniel:Conversations about, are you really sure you want to do this?
Kendra:Yeah. They I mean they just wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t get pregnant before I graduated from college.
Kendra:They felt like that wouldend up you know potentially causing me not to graduate from college, but they knew that Daniel was a good guy a so, but so it was more that kindathing and the fact that they also…well,,I guess they didn’t learn this until after we were engaged, but we…the plan was that he was going to stay in Baton Rouge where we were at in college, and when I graduated then we would get married.
Well,Dan had a different plan, he tried and tried even though Daniel had this great work experience. The doors were just not opening for him in Baton Rouge to get a job. I was we were both really caught off guard by that, and he spendmonths looking for a job and he could not find one, so he called up, the company he was working for, and he had been interning with them for years, and literally got a job the same day. So he ended up moving out to Arizona, I stayed in Louisiana, and I finished out another semester of college, and then that summer may of 97 is when we ended up getting married.
Kanu:Oh ok so was the wedding [crosstalk 10:40]was the wedding back home? Or did you have it here in Arizona?
Kendra:It was in it was in Louisiana, we didn’t have any family or anything out here so we, got married in Louisiana.
Kanu:oh ok ok [crosstalk 10:54].
Daniel:To tell you another part of the story, before the marriage part and I always get this wrong, so you can correct me. When we came out here, I can tell you we met out here, and our families didn’t know each other. After we connected and decided that we were going to be dating, we… so we went back home and our parents still didn’t live in the same area [Inaudible 11:22]. But then we moved back out here, for another internship and un-unknowingly, unknown to us, our parents moved around the corner from each other.
Kendra:Well your parents moved around the corner from my parents. My parents didn’t move, your parents did that.
Daniel:Your parents used to live in the other neighborhood.
Kendra:Oh your right they did.
Daniel: Yeah they moved over there and [Inaudible 11:46].
Kendra:Ok, I guess you’re right.
Daniel:Literally, we were around here and didn’t know it, not know our parent’s had moved within walking distance [Crosstalk 11:53]from each other.
Kendra:Oh, yeah, when they were in the same city your right yeah. They were super, close to each other yeah, they could definitely ride a bike, or walk to each other’s house.
Kanu:Oh wow, so did they know each other at this point? That.
Kendra:Yes, they did cause, when we were, because when we were dating they you know like they met each other and like spendtime together so.
Daniel:I don’t know, theyI don’t if they knew where the new spots were.
Kendra:No I don’t think they know that part.
Kanu:Oh ok. So I always ask my couples this question, you guys, have been married for how many years did you say?
Kanu:Twenty-oneyears. Are there some annoyances about each other that you guys, put up with, in your marriage?
Kendra:Yes there are.
Daniel:No I’m perfect.
Kendra:No it’s not, and neither am I. You want to go first?
Daniel:You go first.
Daniel:I always tell mines first [Inaudible 12:49].
Kendra:Oh ok [Crosstalk 12:51]one of my annoyances with my husband is, my husband is a…I always say he’s...this part isn’t an annoyance he’s a fearless kindaman, and because of his fearlessness, he doesn’t think about the fact that people will break into your house. There hasbeen times, where, he multiple times, where he has gone to bed without making sure that all the doors and stuff in the house were locked up and we’ve woken up, andthe garage was open, the door was unlocked.
Daniel:I’m sure I’m not the only one.
Kendra:Multiple times. Not that it’s…but like the longer,we’ve been married the better it’s gotten but, that was woo! That usedto burn me up.
Daniel:Blame it on my parents, because we lived in the country.
Kendra:Yeah they lived in the country.
Daniel:Where nobody cared about coming to yourhouse.
Kendra:In a very rural area so, he was used to that so he’s had to really like, he’s still not good at it.
Daniel:I grew, I sometimes, I grew up with; windows open, and the house fan, attic fan running Right.
Daniel:So we didn’t lock doors and all of that.
Kendra:I grew up in a home with military, and law enforcement people so, we don’t play that. You; lock your doors, you lock your windows, you turn the alarm on you do all the security measures so.
Kendra:That was an annoyance.
Kanu:What about for Daniel? What’s your annoyance?
Daniel:My wife, and my daughter too they both do this. They just kind of deem my cars,likethey go run into stuff. I’ll just walk right out there and the car door is scratched, and side mirror has fallen off, and I’m like what’s this. They just act like, you know oh it’s no big deal just get another onelike that was totally annoying.
Kendra:I don’t act like it’s no big deal.
Daniel:Yes you do.
Kendra:No I don’t. I mean if there’s nothing I can do about it.
Daniel:If it was like babe, I’m sorry I knocked the window off.
Kendra:I do, I do say I’m sorry.
Daniel:No you don’t. I found out the window is broken by looking at it the side mirror.
Kendra:No you were in the car with me when that happened.
Daniel:No I was not.
Kendra:Yes you were.
Daniel:No! Or maybe I was [Inaudible 15:12].
Kanu:I love it I love it oh my gosh.
Kendra:Yeah they still make some funny stories now for this [Inaudible 15:16].
Kanu:Right I like that. On the flip side of that though, what is the one are two qualities about each other that you love?
Daniel:I love the sen…she has a deep sense of friendship. When I first met Kendra, she would do things for friends, and I was like I didn’t even think you would do that for me, but I’ve learned since that she would. But things like, you know afriendis, having a special something, maybe it’s, maybe it’s a baby or birthday.
Daniel:She’ll fly across the country, to go be there. Before her I didn’t have that sense of, you know that’s something you should be doing for friends. She shows that same, that same love for me. She’s my best friend so that’s what I mean [Inaudible 16:10].
Kendra:The thing, I mean there is a lot of things I love about Daniel, one of the things I would say is he really is, the kindest person that I know, like I tell him all the time like if we weren’t married, I would still be his friend, because he’s just, a person of integrity, he’s very caring, and he’s someone who,is like… in our marriage the thing that has helped me blossomed the most is being in a relationship with a husband, who lets me be myself and doesn’t try to make me be somebody that I’m not.
He’s always been so good about, really like pushing me out there and encouraging me, to do the things that God has put on my heart to do, and not try to make me into this person that he thinks I should be. Those are like, that’s like one of the main things I would say about him is just, his loving spirit. It’s like it hastruly trulybeen a gift to me for, not just the twenty-oneyears that we’ve been married but the 25 years that I have known him so.
Daniel:Aww thank you babe.
Kanu:Aww. That’s beautiful, yeah thanks for sharing that. So I know that you two do marriage conferences, and I cannot remember the name but maybe, you know I normally ask about the advice for singles, but I think I want to ask the advice for couples. What advice would you have for couples to, you know have that beautiful relationship that you’re describing?
Daniel:One thing is intentionally, right so, you can’t put a marriageon [Inaudible 18:07][autopilot] you have to you know, be, constantly working on it there is no, steady state, you know takeyour hands off and let it go. You’re either going to be going to be drifting towards, isolation or drifting towards, oneness.
Kendra:Moving towards oneness
Daniel:Moving towards oneness, and it takes effort, and it takes it takes intention. Be intentionally [Inaudible 18:35]and the reason why we do marriage conferences, and we go to marriage conferences ourselves, is because we know, and we feel like we’ve learned over time that, you know that you can always get better.
Daniel:Marriage, right and in order to do that you have to, feed yourself with, the information that that takes you in that direction.
Kendra:Yeah and you know what one of the things I would say is there isthree books that I highly recommend for couples…The thing about marriage is just like being a parent, it does not come with an instruction manual, and so you itrequires a lot of energy to be married, because our default is selfishness, like our default is to do what we want like we have our own needs our own desires and so to always be trying to figure out how to get those. Well,the minute you enter into a marriage or the minute you start having children, you have to go against your natural desire of selfishness.
So that means that you’re going to have to do somethings differently, and one of those things is you’re going to have to think differently not think about just your needs but the needs of the other person. So the three books that are always recommendto couples is one is callfor women; The Power Of A Praying Wife, for men; The Power Of A Praying Husband. The second book is the Five Love Languages and I think that book is by Dr.Gary Chatmanbecause what that book talks about is how to love people the way they want to be loved, not necessarily the way you think they should be loved.
Kendra:The third book that I just finished that I highly highly recommend to any married couple or any women who isabout to enter a partnership, a marriage, and she plans to have children at some point, have a career is a book called Drop The Ball, and it’s by Tiffany Dufu. It is an excellent book it is not a marriage book actually it’s actually in a, it’s in the business section but I think it literally can save marriages. Because in that book she talks about…the subtitle is “Achieving more by doing less” and but basically the premise of the book is that women need to learn how to drop the ball and stop trying to do everything themselves and passing off, things to the people in their village and their village includes: Their spouse their village includes like their closes friends, their neighbors, the kids teachers like all these people make up the village and what happens in order to be able to do that you have to get really good at communicating what your needs are.
So a lot of the frustration that Daniel and I see in marriage for couples is that people do not know how to communicate what they need from their partner. So they get frustrated they get frustrated, they get resentful, they hold on to, unforgiveness in their hearts and so but if they would learn how to communicate what they need, then they could eliminate a lot of the problems, that they are dealing with in marriage.
Most people are not dealing with abuse in marriage, most people are dealing with the day to day things that just get on our nerves and they just drive us crazy. Then over time,you start to shut down you start to stop communicating with your spouse about what your needs are and then before you know it you are in this marriage where you feel more alone thanyou ever felt before in your life. So for me,I would say that if you if you have to learn how to ask for what you need in marriage, and you have to learn how to say it in a way that communicates respect to your partner to your spouse.
I feel like if I can say one thing that we have done well in marriage is that we have a mutualrespect for each other, even though we kind of not kind of, we have we have a faith base marriage where we believe in scriptural principles in terms of leadership and how those things work. In our marriage,there is peace because there is mutual respect so Daniel is never like “woman you better do what I say because of what the bible says” like he’s never ever evercommunicated with me like that.
Daniel:I did that one time.
Kendra:and you know I mean and I’ not like constantly tearing him down with my words and.
Kendra:Or nagging him and so it’s just…but all those things we had to learn it didn’t it was not, it was not something that just came…Do you think it came naturally?No,it was it was a lot of time.
Daniel:No I would say all of it took effort it took it took study, effort, willing willingness, and if I were to add anything it would it would be this concept that I think that we’ve done really well over our over our marriage and Ijust kind of really learn how to how to articulate it and that is the bid and the call. Alright so we as husband and wife everyday are making bids to each other, and what I mean by that we are expressing ourselves and expecting that our spouse will respond, and what happens a lot of times you don’t get the response and after a while you stop putting out the bid, because you don’t want to continue to be let down. Right and so just to listening to your spouse and paying attention when they’re reaching out asking you to you know to respond.
The other thing for one of the things I told Kendra for one the oneof our marriageconferences that we went to was, you know from this point on I will first seek to understand before I’m trying to make my point known. I think that’s very Important in marriages first, seek to understand your spouse, and then that’s when you have the peace and have the youknow good communication because you know you know what they need, and you can help with that.
Kendra:Yeah that’s so good.
Kanu:Yeah I love that, I love it very much. I love that you guys do that marriage conferences and you know I know your [Inaudible 25:29] those informationas a couple with things that you have, you know have learned and read and you know I would love to actually love to include those three books that you’ve recommended.
Kanu:So people can buy them and read them as well. I read the middle one The FiveLanguages Of Love and you know I love that very much and I believe in actually, you know learning how to you know and it actually even works for your kids and [Inaudible 25:57]for everyone just learning how to, show love or appreciation to them in the way that they, you know that they want to know how [Inaudible 26:06]think you show them so I like that very much.
Kendra:Yeah you’re right, you’d absolutely built that book. The principles in that book are not limited to marriage, relationships there any relationship that you’re in.
Kanu:Right, yeah so well, that concludes my questions and I just wanted to open it up to both of you to share anything you want to share in closing but that concludes the question that I had for you.
Daniel:Just first thanks for having us on and really appreciate the opportunity anytime we can talk about marriage, encourage other couples you know [Inaudible 26:43]the reason we have our Facebook groupwhen we do our conferences. It’s because we believe that just, know it’s not the big things that cause us to, you know separate and divorce or live in a lonely marriage. It’s not knowing just the little tweaks that you should make on [Inaudible 27:03]you know to keep it going. It’s like when you have a car if you want it to last long you just, keep it tuned up you know do routine maintenance. That’s what why we do what we do cause, some people just don’t know just don’t know, they didn’t growup around good marriage, they don’t know how to communicate or speak to their spouse in a way that.
Daniel:Their spouse feels loved or taken cared of or cared for and if we would’ve when we first got married you know just had such a [Inaudible 27: 40]we would’ve loved it alright so, and one of our missions in life as a couple is to share and teach those things that we have come to know is good, so that’s why I’m here.
Kendra:Yes, yeah. The only thing that I would say in addition to that is, it’s so important in any your relationship that you are into, is that you want to enter a relationship as a whole person, you really to know why you are on this earth, why does God have you here. You want to find your identity in something greater than, your relationships that you have with peoplebecause people will… cancome and go in your lifelike people aren’t necessarily are going to be constant but God is always constant, and so and he is the one who created you and so it’s so important that you go to him as the source of, Who am I? Like so you know that way when you go into a relationship you’re not looking for that person to tell you who you are. You want to bring a whole person into that relationshipbecause it will make it, easier for you and for them if you know who you are and, so that would be the only thing I would add.
As a married woman,I’ve literally spent my entire married life, I mean my adult life as a married woman. So because of that I’ve really had to find my identity, notin my marriage, but in who God made me tobe and just continue to grow in that and thankfully, I was blessed to have a husband and a partner who, never tried to, you know, kind of stop that from happening in any waybut he always just kind of cultivated that and nurtured that in me. So that’s what I would say it would be kind of like the last I would share with people.
Daniel:If I could add one more to that [Crosstalk 29:45]can I add one more thing?
Kanu:Yes you can.
Daniel:Alright so, when you first enter into marriage, avoid making long term decisions based on temporary circumstances. Because where you are when you first get married is not where you’re going to be you know in the long run, so knee jerk major reactions. When we first got married,you know I, youknow some of the actions that probably both of us right but speaking from my perspective I would see in Kendra I would have thoughts like, what did I just get into and it was because we were learning how to be one.
Daniel:And we couldn’t, this was no you know hug kiss and go home type thing, this was hug kiss and look at each other all day long so, we see things in people that before you got married you didn’t know were there and you have to work through all of that. So don’t have knee jerk reactions and, think that you made a mistake and all those types of things and it’s the person that’s mature and just like you’re gonna mature and you being there for them does not mean is gonna mean the world to them and that marriage so.
Kanu:Thank you so much for taking the time out to chat with me and sharing your love story, and I know that people are getting inspired by listening to all this love story and so, you know I’m honoredthat you were able to take time to share that with me today.
Kendra:Thank you for having us we are so appreciative.
Kendra:It was our honorto be here.
Kanu:Aww thankyou thanks, guys.
Kanu:Thanks for tuning in to this week’s episode, I really hope you enjoyed it. Do you have a love story? Or do you know somebody with a love story? If so shoot me an email Kfirstname.lastname@example.org. Please go to my YouTube channel Real Love Real Stories Podcast and subscribe. Also follow me on Instagram and Facebook, Real Love Real Stories, till next time.