Episode 11: Part 3 SHE put a RING on it and HE said YES!
A platform for couples to share their love stories and for single to find hope. Tommy and Jenny went to Putnam High School (PCHS) in Oklahoma City together around the same time but did not date. Jenny moved to New York City and finished her high school there. 20 years PCHS would host a high school reunion for their class and their love story begins. Part 1: The couple shares their love journey. How they met and how a deeper connection was created while they were being intimate in Colorado. This is a must listen if you or your partner have a hard time looking at you in your eyes while having sex. Do you connect love with sex? Part 2: The couple shares how they make their long distance relationship work since they are 1400 miles + apart. They share the highs and lows of counting down to seeing each other ... Part 3: SHE PUT A RING ON IT! The couple shares how Jenny proposed to Tommy. Here is an idea if you are a woman in a relationship where you feel like the guy is taking too long to put a ring on it. YOU CAN DO IT. Find out how Jenny did it.
Kanu:Welcome to Real Love Real Stories TV and Podcast, a platform for sharing love stories and for finding hope. I'm Kanu, I'm the host and you are listening to Episode 11. This is part 3. In part 1 we got to hear how they met, and we got to hear howthey connected in a really deep meaningful way. In part 2 we got to hear how they make their relationship their long-distance relationship work. In this part 3 we get to hear how she put a ring on it, how she proposed to him.
So a question for you ladies and gentlemen, if you are in a relationship if you are a lady, would you propose to your boyfriend? For the guys, what would you think about that if your girlfriend proposes to you? How would you take that? Enjoy.
So where are you in your relationship right now? Are you, you know looking to move forward to?
Tommy:We’re engaged. Yeah, she asked me.
Jenny:Yeah I put a ring on it yes.
Tommy:Yes she asked me.
Jenny:I had to put a ring on this.
Kanu:Okay, so can we talk about that a little bit?
Jenny:So okay, when was it? Two years ago his eldest daughter came home and we were on skype together and she says “Dad why do you have all these engagement catalogs all over the place?” Is that what happened right?
Tommy:It wasn’t engagement catalogs, I had a couple of different ring manufacturers.
Jenny:Oh okay and he was like “Shh don't say anything,” so I knew I had a ring coming right.
Kanu:So but you were talking on Skype and she didn't know that you on the phone and she just said that out loud.
Jenny:She was just being a kid and not thinking like I was on skype or anything.
Tommy:We're always on skype, I mean it's almost literally 24/7. We sleep on skype, so you know, we go to bed together, we wake up together. So I mean to not know that she's on skype, it's more rare that she's not on skype than she is.
Jenny:Yeah so she kind of blew up his plot. I don't know, I think she was just being a kid.
Tommy:She got excited.
Kanu:Oh I see, I see.
Jenny:So I knew there was a ring coming so I waited, and I waited...I love you and I waited and I waited. Then I was like what is going on in this relationship that I'm not...maybe something's wrong now, maybe he's not asking me for, I don't know but I also I didn't want to keep asking him about it because at that point I'm just pressuring him to ask me and that's ridiculous in my book, right.
Jenny:That's happening and my patience as he’ll say is not really there. I have a, I think I have a typical New Yorkers patience right.
Tommy:You got till the end of her statement.
Jenny:So I waited a few months though several months, I waited several months’ resentments started...
Kanu:Did you want to get married though, before?
Jenny:No! So when we first started I was clear that I was not getting married again. I had just gotten out of my marriage some time before that and I just, there was, I didn't want it anymore. I didn't see the reason for commitment on paper.
Jenny:It was just empty and meaningless for me at that time. You know I was waiting and waiting and waiting and getting more resentful because I said where am I...you know I don't ask him about it because I don't want to pressure you about marry me. It's just awful who wants to pressure somebody into marrying you. That just...at the end of the day I would never feel like he actually wanted to, I would just feel like, he did it because I was pushing it.
Tommy:To shut you up?
Jenny:Yeah just shut me up, and I didn't want to have that feeling on my, in my marriage. Iended up saying I don't understand why I'm not asking him myself.If I really want to be married to this man, if this is for me, then why don't I ask him?
I went through the whole process of you know, people are going to say something or look at me differently or you know, I'm going to be the guy in the relationship. Which was a battle that was going on my head. I’m like, why does that mean I'm the guy in the relationship? Why isn't that me being a woman asking for what I want and having a voice in my relationship? So I asked him, and it was as easy as we were just lying in bed and I said “Will you marry me?” and he said “Yeah” that was it.
Kanu:Oh my gosh! That's what I love about that. I mean because it is not you know the norm in terms of like how the men and the woman sort of proposal, and that's what I love about that is that you asked him, and it’s so oh my God!
Jenny:It was simple and not over staged and not over thought and it was pure just likemy love for you. That's it, it was simple.
Tommy:I mean the whole point of the man askingthe woman is based on archaic principles.
Tommy:You know basically women were livestock. It was basically a man asking another man for his daughter but then it was you know what...the father how much he was going to get paid or how much the suitor was going to get paid.
Jenny:It was a transaction, yeah.
Tommy:It's based on an archaic principle, and the thing is Jenny is, she is very, very much a pro woman, powerhouse, Wonder Woman hence the...you know everything about her. I mean...I don't know if you got your bracelet on but she wears a Wonder Woman bracelet all the time. I mean that that is her, she is Wonder Woman, but at the same time she's also very, I hate to say feminine because again that's kind of makes it sexist, but she's able to be a powerhouse and still be sensual and a gorgeous, gorgeous woman. and it's actually changed my views on what's, what feminism is and I'm a feminist now. I’ve got two strong...and I've always beenbecause my goal is to raise to two girls to become women that don't need men.
Tommy:That when they choose to be with a man it’s because they choose not because they feel they need.
Tommy:Jenny is all of that. I think her asking was just...she actually asked me afterwards she's like “Do you feel like I took some of your manhood?” and I said “No if my manhood was wrapped up and to you asking me a question, then I've got stronger issues that need to work on about being a man.”
Jenny:That's the piece really, my concern is not being over here my concern is having him feel less than, which is so interesting if not taking that away, and at the same time if that took anything away from him it would have me question the relationship.
Jenny:You know what I mean, because then I couldn't be everything that I ever wanted to be in orderto make him feel good about himself. Does that make sense? Like I feel like as a woman I have to give up something in order for the man to feel like they're the man in the relationship. Whereas no you get to be the man in relationship because you want to be whatever man you want to be in the relationship.
Tommy:I think a manly man could be a Mr. Mom.
Kanu:Right and [Inaudible 8:53].
Tommy:I think I a man can be, you know, a stay at home...I don't think it's wrapped up. I do...thepart that I struggle with as far as my manhood in this relationship is primarily when she's going through something and I can't physically be there.
Kanu:Oh yeah. Absolutely because you’re so far apart.
Tommy:Because I'll beat my chest, I'm you know…as she calls me her silverback. I'm the guy that I want to take care of, and protect and, you know, I can't always physically be here to do that and that's hard. But, I mean I get to just sit back and realize she doesn't need me to protect her always, that she can do it and it sucks.
Jenny:Yeah, no I get that. Yeah
Tommy:But, yeah I love the fact that she asked me. I don't think that that ultimately, takes anything from me and if somebody else feels it does well that's on them. They're the ones that assigned, you know, that a man has to ask a woman they're not my life. I think that's so archaic. It doesn't even have to be a ring a diamond ring.
Tommy:Why does it have to be a diamond ring? It’s just we’re the ones that assign meaning to things and I think her asking me is just as important as if I was to ask her.
Kanu:Yeah I like that you know. I mean there's some people who still think that a guy should ask the woman, but when I heard about that part I was like you know what why not? It actually poses a question to me that if I see a guy that I'm interested in why don't I maybe tell him that I like him, you know.
Kanu:Because very much I'm still stuck in this place of, I want a guy to approach me.
Tommy:Well everybody wants to feel the wanted part.
Tommy:You know everybody wants the romantic book where the guy comes across on a cloud of rose petals and says would you like to dance or something. Guys are scared.
Tommy:You know we’re just as scared.
Jenny:Yeah you'll find that out whenever you try to approach a man and say hey, you can finally get the idea of what they go through because when I asked him I was nervous even though I knew what his answer was going to be.
Tommy:Oh I’m that easy?
Jenny:I quickly connected to all the men in history who ever had to sit there and ask somebody to marry them, because its nerve-wracking.
Jenny:It’s nerve-wracking and yet we put the onus on them and we silence ourselves from our wants and our needs and our desires and it's a zero-sum game there, right.
Tommy:Why does it have to be one or the other, why can't, why can't it be both? Why does she have to give up being a woman, for me to ask her? Why does she have to give up any power? Why can't she have the power to ask and I be strong enough in who I am, to allow her to have that power.
Kanu:I love that so much. I mean for me personally with my personality I've been told that I am confident and which I guess is a negative thing when it comes to men because I seem like I'm the stronger person in the relationship, which I'm totally not. I mean just honestly hearing what you're sharing, what's to stop me from talking to someone and just say ‘hey,’ you know.
Kanu:‘I noticed you, and I like you, are you single or something?’
Jenny:Absolutely, I always heard that I was intimidating from men. For men that I would be out with you're really intimidating, and it took me a...my first reaction to that would be okay let me dim myself a little bit in order to fit into whatever you would like, right. Until I could actually connect to the part where it's okay that I'm intimidating to you because then obviously you're not the right one for me either. So if you're intimidated by me that means you won't be walking next to me because you need somebody lower in your standards, right.
Jenny:To feel good about yourself. So that is what I would say, don't diminish yourself or don't be apologetic for who you are to anybody because whoever is good for you is going to raise the bar to where you're at.
Kanu:Absolutely that's been like my thing about, I'm intimidating, I'm this I'm that and so but anyways I mean, I am, who I am, you know, I am confident. But when it comes to love though I'm completely different. I always wait for the guy to approach me but that's why I love hearing about your relationship even though you didn't approach him at first but, you knew that you wanted to be with this guy and why not ask him. I mean honestly this is 2018 and it's not like way back from whenever you know, whoever said guys are the ones who are supposed to propose only.
Kanu:You know and I don't even think it is written in any.
Tommy:We're talking five years ago it's still... I saw for the very first time I think it was a Zales commercial where they had a woman...or I think it may have been a Jared but it had about a woman asking a man to marry.
Kanu:Oh! And I [Inaudible 15:06].
Tommy:Yes, yeah it's the first, you know, mainstream deal I'd seen on it and it's still tabooed.
Jenny:Yeah when I went to go look up how to do it, was there a right way, do you get him an engagement ring do you not get him an engagement ring there really was no set course to take. In that space it was also really cool because you could create whatever you want. So we’re surrounding ourselves within these confines of how something needs to look and we need to get this size rock and this kind of ring and it needs to be down on one knee and it needs to be spectacular. Whatever ideals have been placed in our heads that's actually not true, none of that is true. We don't have to do any of that, there's no law saying that if you don't you're going to jail or the woman's gonna say no, there's no laws. So you can do whatever you want. You want it to be a giant sapphire great, you want to get your grandmother's ring great, you don't want to get a ring at all you want to use tinfoil that's good too.
Jenny:Like it doesn't really matter it can be anywhere you want it to be, it's just whatever your love means to you I think the proposal I think any of that should just match that.
Tommy:Everything's meaningless tobegin with.
Tommy:I mean you are the only one that assigns any type of meaning. I mean again you just spend $10,000 on a ring, that rings actually...it's pointless there's no meaning to that ring except for the fact that you know you spent ten grand on it.
Jenny:I did get him a ring. I got him an engagement ring and the engagement ring is a Buddhist proverb. It’s a spinner prayer ring. But basically it talks about how it's empty and meaningless.
Jenny:The way that you see the world is the way that your heart is. So you view the world the way that your heart views it right. So the ring itself is saying it's empty and meaningless, so it you apply the meaning that you want to it.
Kanu:Right I like that.
Jenny: So it’s such a cool what a perfect engagement ring all this is empty and meaningless and the meaning I'm applying to it is asI want to spend the rest of my life with you. So that.
Tommy:That's why it could be a ring pop.
Tommy:That you get at a grocery store becausethat has as much meaning in any relationship as any ring you buy.
Jenny:It's gonna taste better.
Tommy:Yeah. The thing is at the end of the day you're the only one that assigns what that ring means.
Jenny:Or that action means.
Kanu:I like that. So you gave him the ring and then… so then tell me did you get Jen a ring or how did that?
Tommy:Nope she still doesn't have her ring yet. Actually the process behind that was we had a ring. I was making payments on it, I had it picked out and his was before, it was actuallybefore she had asked me. I had this going and then she's like “Hey I want you to talk to so-and-so I want to get my ring from here,” I go “Oh”.
Jenny:Let my local jeweler cause I figured I could save him that couple of shekels but you know my patience level right.
Tommy:So we got rid of that and no she has not gotten her ring yet.
Jenny:Which is very funny because when I say I'm engaged you know what people do first?
Kanu:Where's your ring?
Jenny:They look down on my hand.
Jenny:So it's such a great conversation starter because I'm like no I asked him, take that one.
Kanu:[Inaudible 19:25]like what.
Jenny:It’s very [Inaudible 19:28].
Tommy:The thing is even if I was to ask her. Why does she have to have a ring for her to be engaged?
Tommy:Because the commitment is not to the ring, the ring is for show.
Jenny:Yeah it's really interesting because when I look down and I’m like okay so they're looking to my automatic go to is they’re looking to judge.
Jenny:They're looking to judge because they want to look at the ring so they want to see...you could tell a lot off that ring.
Jenny:People do people do they tell a lot off a ring. That how big is the rock.
Jenny:What does it looked like, oh he must be wealthy, like there's a lot of judgment that goes in that I don't mean.
Kanu:Oh absolutely, absolutely.
Jenny:Yeah they don't know how to comprehend not seeing one on the hand. So it's interesting to see their face when they look down it's the first thing they do is they always look down at my hand I’m like there's nothing here. So yeah it's interesting definitely.
Kanu:Yeah. This this has been a lot of fun. I mean we've covered a little ground from long-distance relationships, to you know connecting with your partner while being intimate, to you know kind of switching the what people call the norms of proposing the woman proposing which I just I love so much. I mean your whole life story to me it's just amazing.
Jenny:Thank you for having us on this was a lot of fun yeah.
Tommy:It gave us to kind of reminisce and.
Jenny:Actually this is perfectly for your day before you leave.
Tommy:Yeah thank you.
Jenny:Yeah we can sit here and all smiles that's really sweet were cute.
Kanu:You are cute you are very cute.
Kanu:You are a beautiful couple.
Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode I really hope you enjoyed it. Do you have a love story? Or do you know somebody with a love story? If so shoot me an email firstname.lastname@example.org. Please go to my YouTube channel Real Love Real Stories Podcast TV and subscribe and also follow me on Instagram and Facebook Real Love Real Stories. Till next time.