Episode 2: How to have "love matches" instead of fights in a marriage

Kanu: Welcome to Real Love Real Stories the podcast, a place where couples share their love stories. This is Kanu and I'm the host and thank you for tuning in you are listening to episode number 2. In this episode I am talking to Joshua and Ivana. They both are relationship coaches and they help busy successful singles find themselves so they can attract their ideal partner. Here's their story…

Kanu- I'm excited to be talking about your relationship how you started. So perhaps to start with, I  just want to give it to both of you to share with the audience how long have you been together.

Ivana: okay we've been together since last June

Kanu: So last June that was June 2017

Ivana: Correct

Kanu: And that was when you initially met or was that when you got married?

Ivana: Yeah that's when we initially met and then July 22nd it was when we decided to be together officially.

Kanu: Nice. So that's the part that I want to spend a little bit of time on if you don't mind sharing with the audience. You talked about you met in June 2017 and then in the following month July 2017 you decided to be together so can you elaborate a little bit about that?

Ivana: Yeah sure. So in June 2017 there was a workshop in Fort Lauderdale where I worked as a contractor for the company and my husband was a member. So he was attending to to learn how to speak better, to tell a story more powerfully and I wanted a volunteer. For me, I don't know for my husband, but for me as soon as I saw him, I knew that I want to get to know him. I didn't know what the reason for that was, but I just felt like something like a string was drawing me towards him and having no clue why that was happening. Because that had never happened before so I cared about what he thought even before I knew him and I wanted to get to know him.

Kanu: Nice. Joshua was that the same for you?

Joshua: Uh yes it was totally different because I mean is the same but I  went there for a purpose. I went there to work on myself and you know be able to tell my story like my wife said. So when I checked in, you know I noticed her but I didn't but I did notice her because I was just checking in and I was gonna mingle with the president and the CEO. The members as well. So I was just trying to find my seat sit down and be able to mingle and see what people had been up to it was different. I was like oh wow okay. I wanted to know who she was and she caught me looking at her. We were looking at each other and then we would turn away like we were in elementary school.

Kanu: Butterflies are flying at this point, right?

Joshua: It was really unique how it happened. I was sitting next to  this awesome man who’s an amazing speaker and he's just a great guy. And so he’s just a funny dude and he was doing like funny stuff to her and I happened to be looking at her at the same time. When I did, I didn't realize that he was having like a sign language or a sign with her. So I was looking at the same time so it looked like she was looking at me smiling or whatever then I just turned away.

Ivana: Yeah that's when I really saw that he was looking because in the beginning I wasn't sure I was like maybe just me maybe he doesn't like me. But then I caught him looking a few times because of that man. It was crazy during that during that day we were trained and taught how to better tell our story gonna speak in front of our crowd. So there were so many things that we shared in front of the group that you usually don't say until like I don't know how many dates. He told me about his you know his past, his childhood, experiences with exes and all that kind of stuff, I found out same day.

Kanu: So it was all organically through the training the workshop. But what you didn't realize is this was actually kind of set up for you guys to know each other’s story before you even started on the journey of love.

Joshua: I didn’t know that was going to happen because she knew everything horribly bad about me from the beginning. So she knew everything so no secrets were being brought out because I was telling my story and how it happened was really unique. On the first day, within hours she knew my whole life and I knew hers.

Kanu: That's an awesome. I like that a lot because you know that normally takes I don't know how long for people to get to know that much information about each other when you start dating. I  like that it was like from the beginning here's who I am this is kind of where I came from. So you know and the fact that you ended up together makes it even better.

So I wanted to move on to the proposal because you met in June and then literally the next month I'm assuming this was the proposal time. So can you speak more about that a little bit?

Ivana: Well are our stories unique all over. What happened was, I had asked my husband to come with me to Europe.  I had started thinking about moving back to Europe before I met my husband so everything was kind of crazy at this point.  Then we're gonna have to have a long-distance relationship which we wanted, we knew we wanted to be together. So my husband was like, well let's just get married now.  Yeah that was in August. He found a way to find a time for us to to go to the courthouse and it was all done so quickly.  The courthouse didn't have a time until like the next month so it was kind of all rushed. We went there, he kind of proposed on the way there so it was all crazy. People are usually engaged for a while, we weren't even engage we got married like right away.

Joshua: The proposal happened in the car right before we walked into the courthouse and got married. We want you people out there listening to this to know, if you really are in love, you really love that person, it doesn't matter how you propose or where you proposed or when you propose. It's all about proposing. On our way, Ivana says, babe you have to propose before we go into the courthouse. I said okay, will you make me, and I looked at her in her eyes, will you marry me today? She said yes and we walked into the courthouse and we did I do. That's how the proposal has no that it was real authentic it wasn't made up. Any of that, it was so real. That's who we are. That's how that happened.

Kanu: What's the one thing that you absolutely love about each other?

Ivana: Well I love the way he protects me and the way he loves me. I had never been taken care of in a way, I'm a very independent woman but that has nothing to do with it. It's just the small things that he doe,  like when he looks out for me, when he knows I like something he'll bring it to me, he'll make sure I walk on the right side of the road, he'll always be affectionate always loving and he always makes me feel like I'm the only one on the planet.

Kanu: Oh that's so beautiful. Yeah what about you Joshua? What do you love about Ivana?

Joshua: What about. What I love about her is that she doesn't even speak my language. It's not a first language that's a third language. And she's still able to help me figure out the little light. Was it worth while I'm speaking just those little things alone. Well everything like I said when we first met she knew all my downfalls and she didn't judge me. She didn't she doesn't folded up in my face or she doesn't you know like fight negative with all my bad things that I've done in my past. I'm able to be myself with her I'm able to do all the things that I want to do with her and her love for you know going and just contributing to the world contributing to the list fortune contributing to will. When we go to the prisons and jails and speak she loves that almost more than me it's not more than. So I asked what I really love about her that she could take this broken lady in say 10 words to her and have heard her whole life transform.

Joshua: I love that her passion for people. I love the passion she has for both of our families. And she wants to see our families prospering and growing every day. I mean I love that about her and she's susceptible to everything and she's never ever go to not fight fair with her words. That's when I love those things. I can go on and on. But this time that's what it is.

Kanu: That's powerful. Yes. So on the flip side of that what is that knowing about each other that you put up with the impression they wouldn't put up with that with each other if you were not in love.

Joshua: Well for me let me let me. About could I love this. So this is really powerful. I'm glad you asked that. People need to know, my wife is she is like a perfectionist. And if I don't answer her the way she wants me to answer her she will come back and back and back and back and back with the same question or may I explain that to you already. You don't have to ask me the same question over and over and over again. That's the one thing that will get a love match started for her and I we call love matches people call fights and arguments. But their love matches for us because we can light them out at the table. And I would say look zena, zena means wife in Croatian. See I'm a little Croatian too.

Kanu: And that's great.

Joshua: So look I said zena, I've told you already. Why you keep asking the same question? And you know I do not like it. And she said well babe I apologize. No worries as I understand it. So we have to lay it out at the table and have a executive meeting . So that's what irritates me.

Kanu: And you know what I love about that, is that you don't call them fights. You call them love matches. That's awesome. Yeah.

Ivana: Yeah because it's now all serious people just added everything together and so all we are you all the time you just have fights and it sounds like the relationship is really toxic because that's how they speak we don't speak like that about our marriage. What about me.

Ivana: I believe that. I've never really been with someone who is like as intelligent as I am and sometimes even more in some areas.

Ivana: So when we do that again those love matches. I feel like sometimes he he's trying to. I don't really not put into words.

Joshua: Coach.

Ivana: Yes because he's not my coach you know he's my husband. Sometimes my arguments they might not make sense OK but I used to think I was going to be a lawyer so sometimes I just talk and it makes sense in my world and I can convince people that this is how it is actually. And he approached put me in my place if need be. And that's actually what I wanted in a husband to hacking into his mind over you. But in that moment I find it very annoying because he stops me from going on my train.

Kanu: I love that. So you know I'm sure as coaches relationship coaches you hear some pretty crazy things that people fight about. Is the one that comes to mind. As to the number one reason why people fight in relationships.

Ivana: Yeah. The the number was the number one reason why they do it is because they haven't learned how to communicate and they don't know each other. They don't know who they are. They don't know who each other are they're not. They don't feel comfortable and safe to express what they need from the other person and that it builds up and them in them and then they explode when they don't feel like they get attention they explode when the other person doesn't understand. They get upset and then they didn't want to say why, and it turns into a fight.

Kanu: Right. Right. So I often ask this question which probably is might be the same answer as the last but what is the secret to your relationship like what makes it work. Especially since you met. It happened in such a short amount of time. So what's your secret to making it work.

 

Joshua: What is the secret of communicating. No matter what it's all about communication. So will my wife the reader why you know people will get them to love matches because they will know each other. one, and two, the communication and patience is not there.

Kanu: Right.

Joshua: For us when we know each other to the teeth into our communication of this world. So no matter what happens if I'm confused or she's confused we have executive meetings. We talk about it and we listen to listen we don't listen to respond and that's where people go wrong. Listen to me or they're ready to respond until there's their side, or a really detailed answer and it's not even that answer it's just a complaint notes. So will she get to the point. Yes. Our secret is we listen to listen we're not listening to us. That will continue to get stronger and stronger as the marriage grows.

Ivana: I just want to add to that that that that's it. But and also we keep our our marriage in this house. We don't go and tell friends or family about any love matches that we have or any confusions that we have. And we live with the attitude of gratitude. Basically we do we do everything we have rituals so we have habits that we do every morning, every evening and one day he might not be around. And even if he had done something that day that made me upset I don't call my mom or my friend and say oh my gosh he did this. No pray to the Lord and I thank him for the wonderful husband he's given me and I keep reminding myself why he is so awesome. So we don't let things affect how we view each other.

Kanu: Oh my god I have so many stories about it. I mean I was married before and the yeah that one, the communication piece of listening to hear the other person and not respond. I mean that's big. I've felt like in my previous marriage my first marriage that I've had that it became this sort of one upping each other or you know you are. Here's the parts that I personally love which is why I cannot get into this whole podcast is to as a person who was single like I mentioned that was married before. And you know just trying to find the one. Not that you know I find guys to date and I date them and you know but I just cannot find the one. I'm wondering if you have any advice since you're also our relationship coaches. What advice you have to a single person wishing for love.

Ivana: Ok. Well we always recommend doing what we did. So first of all you sit down. And you identify with your three core values are in life. That's the first thing.

 

Joshua: Before she goes on the world that you're doing is trying to find and you can't find anything, you can't search for anything, you have to attract the one you want.

Kanu: Did you say you have to attract?

Joshua: Yeah, you have to attract. Now I'll let her finish.

Ivana: But like I mentioned my husband didn't go to that workshop to look for a woman. He was completely fine being alone at that point working on himself. And it was the same thing for me some clients that we work with. They get discouraged because of their past relationships and they say oh you know I want to be with someone. I never find him. And I keep telling them you're not finding him because first of all it's awesome you got to the point where understood you need a coach to help you through this, but that person is probably also working on himself or herself. So the reason why you haven't met yet is because you both have to go through this personal development journey to really figure out who you are. Because we say people don't know who they are in a relationship yeah they don't know because they haven't figured it out before they get into their relationship. So how are you supposed to know who I am if I don't know myself. So that's the major portion they have to do is really discover who you are prior and you need to get a coach many times because that's what we did because it was confusing you can't figure out everything in the world alone. And then on that journey that you were completely fine and happy and working on yourself and you position yourself like we did we positioned ourselves we ended up at that workshop. And now it's like OK adds Godsend and a lot of people say they sit at home and wait for God it isn't happening in the work. And then you have who's going to be there, that way you look is just automatically attracted to you because you're on that journey and he or she is as well.

Kanu: Yeah. I mean I love the idea of you know working on yourself then setting yourself up to attract the right person and not necessarily looking for him at this point. Again I mentioned the reason why I'm doing the podcast is because I don't want to say that I'm giving up, but I'm just like I am focusing on me. I just moved to a new city and I'm focusing on me and developing my business and doing all those things that I love and not necessarily dwell on like online dating and all that stuff that I've done before and have been disappointed many times. So if somebody was to like sign up with you guys for relationship coaching, what does that look like? Like how long does it take?

 

Ivana: When you sign up, you get signed in right away if you're a good fit and we think you're a good fit. And we have a three month program where we have six intense modules that we take you through. We give two coaching calls a week. an unlimited e-mail access and we also have an online university. So it's very intense transformations are beautiful. And when we teach it's proven and tested because we lived it. Not only do we have the background and the knowledge and education behind it, but that's also what made our marriage work.

Kanu: No I like that and let's again I mentioned that's one of the things that attracted me to want to talk to you, is that you both are doing the work you are teaching what you have experienced. And you know I mean being a couple is to me can be challenging at times and being a couple that worked together. Personally I'm just like oh my gosh how do they make that work. And in some sense you guys are and that's great. Is there anything in her closing is there anything that you want to share. Perhaps I'm opening it up to you guys because you are relationship coaches, but is there anything that you want to share with the audience that I don't know. A tip, idea or something that you want to share.

Joshua: It will definitely be good. You have to know yourself. We always say that we know ourselves. We love ourselves. We know who we are. We know we will do know we we won't put up with we say those things. But realistically, we do not know ourselves at the core. At the deepest level that we can possibly know ourselves because we can't see the picture while we're in with three and it takes somebody else to see everything about those and bring it out of us. That's where we were. We've got coaches that's where we wouldn't be the education because our experiences alone, would help us and drive us forward. And then we get to you know certifications and education behind it. And now we're just that more powerful once we are able to communicate effectively with our clients or prospects would we want to call them. So I would tell the ones that are listening to to get to know you at a deeper level. If its confusing for you, thats when you get you get a coach. Growing up people say 'don't let people see you cry that's a sign of weakness. Don't let nobody see you know your weakness.' We grew up in that environment that's what we were all taught. This is that. But that is a myth that is not real. It's a sign of strength when you're showing you have passion. You cry. If you're weak then you reach out for help that makes you stronger. That's what that does for you. We were going through it and it wasn't working well in our relationships that we had. We had to check ourselves, start examining ourselves and then we were out there we got coaches to help us through the process. So you have to know yourself and their 6 human needs, we have those and we teach those three core values about yourself that you don't know those do. That's what we help you discover. Bring it out.

 

Kanu: I should have seriously talked to you guys a long time ago. In my marriage, although at the time I was married you guys were not together yet, but one of the things that my ex husband actually asked even up to this date he's told me is that I did not cry in front of him. Every time I needed to cry, I went in the other room, closed the door, cried, wiped my eyes and then came out.

Ivana: Wow.

Kanu: I grew up like Joshua was saying, where you know most of us are raised to think that crying is a sign of weakness. For whatever reason, I just did not want him to see me cry. I want it to be that strong woman that he married, that he loves, who is happy. Who was always positive. That's one of the things that he said about me. So when it came to crying, I don't know why I could not do it in front of him. I would literally go close, the door cry and then come out. And he said to me he never connected with me because of that.

Ivana: Right.

Kanu: Like connected fully

Ivana: He didn't get to see all sides of you. I never cried in front of anyone before my husband either. And that might be hard for him to believe because I cry in front of him several times. But I really didn't because I didn't allow myself, like we said before fully open and vulnerable like that. I thought that would be shown as a weakness. When I went with my husband you know all cards off the table with just being ourselves and a father like I want to cry, I'll cry. And so even for him. He needs to feel like he's safe and I'll comfort him if he gets to the point as well. No matter how tough or strong he looks, every man should have the freedom to do so. And I just want to add for the singles out there, as well as you, don't ever get discouraged because you have an advantage. I grew up not really being in any relationships long enough six months and all my friends were and all these long relationships. And when you're in a relationship, especially if you're not in the right one you can get easily distracted from your own journey. So I had a chance to really do work on myself to figure out who I was, what I wanted to do in life and what kind of partner I want to build a future with. And they weren't able to attract a man like I did because they were always caught up in those relationships and eventually they just settle down. So for you singles out there you have an opportunity to take the time to figure out who you are so you can get that amazing man that somebody who is in a relationship or marriage they might have a toxic relationship. So that's what I find that the benefit of being single because you have that room to not make the mistake of choosing the wrong man. And that's also what we teach in our program because the divorce rate is so high and we want to help singles attract the right person. So also the families don't suffer. We don't see the board of the kids on have to grow up with parents on two different ends and all of those things. So singles things sometimes that they're are lonely that they have is this managed to use that as a strength like everything else they can you can use what direction you want to go with it. So I think it's an awesome thing because I use it for the good and I'm happily married. I could have rushed into a marriage with someone else and I would have to suffer just because I didn't want to be single but I didn't do that. So you have the opportunity to do the same.

Kanu: Right. That's awesome. So for relationship coaches they that to work with singles you work with people that are married. Are you different ages like what's your sweet spot?

Ivana: All ages but our sweet spot is singles because we have that personal experience of what we did and how we can help him become like a team like we are but they have to attract the right person. We also get also couples who reach out to us. We work with married couples. But our sweet spot is singles because we can help you get that relationship that desired.

Kanu: Awesome. Right. I love this. Thank you so much. Thank you both for taking the time to chat with me. Thanks for tuning into this week's episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Do you have a love story to share. Do you know a couple with the love story. Send me an email info at real love stories dot com and also follow me on Instagram and Facebook and the real love real stories. Till next time.

Kanu Jacobsen