5 ways of expressing and experiencing love ... which one is yours?

Episode Transcript

Kanu:You have tuned into Real Love Real Stories TV and Podcast. I'm Kanu and I'm the host. Join me as I learn about love from couples who are making their relationships work and from singles who are making being single fun. 

In today's episode I'm going to be exploring languages of love. Do you know what your love language is? Do you know what your partner's love language is? If not stay tuned, I will give you tools to take the quiz so you know what your love language and your partners and also some ideas of what to do to make sure that you are showing love in a meaningful way to your partner.

The Five Love Languages are based on a book written by Gary Chapman. It's actuallya pretty simple premise and it talks about the different people with different personalities expressed love in different ways. Therefore, in order for you to express love you have to understand what your partner values and also what you value, what your primary love languages is probably what you also give, so you give and you receive in the same language. 

So there are five of them. The first one is words of affirmation, we have quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts, and way of acts of service. I am going to be talking about each one. I will share with you some examples from my experiences and also from a few people that I’ve talked to, and also give you some ideas especially with Valentine's coming up. 

The first one to talk about is words of affirmation. This actually happens to be my top primary love language actually they are tied, words of affirmation and quality time but I'm going to be talking about words of affirmation first.

This is that language where you use words to affirm your partner like you look great, thank you for doing X-Y-Z. Be specific in thanking your partner with exactly what they do. You don't do the drive-by thanks because for this person and for myself too if you just say thanks it's like okay great, well thanks for what exactly. People with words of affirmation we love letters, and we love cards. You know be creative some people get very creative and write little love notes they may put them in your bag as you get to work and you open your bag and there's a little love note in there from your partner. I mean that would just make me so happy. 

I have received cards and kept cards that I’ve received from my loved ones. I have cards dating all the way to like over 20 years ago because I value them a lot and I keep them and whenever I feel down I will go open my cards and read them and it just makes me feel really, really good. 

You know I personally love my partner to proclaim his love publicly. Put it on Facebook we're in a relationship, we're in love you know I love that kind of thing. I recently…you know with this guy that I'm dating, I recently got him a gift for his birthday and he…I don't know exactly what his primary love language is but I'm guessing it's words of affirmation because the way that he showed his gratitude towards me was just so perfect for me. I just loved the way he said thank you to me. So I have a feeling that he's also a words of affirmation.

Moving on to the next one, which is quality time. This is giving undivided attention to your partner. So I'm talking when I'm having a conversation…like I said this is also tied my top two, words of affirmation and now quality time. So this is this one is also very important to me. So when you're talking to me like literally don't look at your phone, turn off the TV, and like give me undivided attention, especially when the topic is a little bit like we need to really pay attention to each other. 

One of the things that you can do for people who have quality time as their top love language you know you can plan as easy as a dinner out. Go with them to dinner where you're putting your phone away and you're dedicating that time to them. So be technology free on the date night. You know take a walk, I love it when we take a walk special on Sunday's. Let's walk to breakfast together and come back, that is just easy and perfect for me. 

If you decide to cook for me which will also be great, that also ties into acts of service but the idea of let's cook together maybe. I love that because we're spending quality time together, and we're doing something that we both enjoy, and we're going to sit down and have a meal together. Those are some ideas of spending quality time with someone. I personally like someone who takes time to make a reservation at one of my favourite restaurants and you know I get to put on my little black dress and we go out you know and have a drink and dinner and then come back; that is perfect perfect quality time for me. 

One thing to note about quality time people is that personally I feel so disrespected if you are on your phone or if you're distracted by something. If you are then let me know. If you have to look at your phone then announce it to me and say you know I'm sorry I'm looking at my phone because I'm expecting a message that's important from X Y Z or I keep looking at my phone because of X Y Z. At least give me a heads up don't just look at it and then you don't tell me what's going on because I feel so disrespected.

The next language we’ll talk about is acts of service. This is doing something for your love one that you know that they will love. I'm talking in actual act, doing something. You know for people with act of service as a primary language I’ve heard they love when you know their partner does dishes, they vacuum the house, they put gas in the car, take the car to get washed for them. I put this one in for me cause you know I actually this is one of the things I don't know what it is about me I just don't like to go put gas in the car. Although acts of service is not my primary language but, if somebody was to put gas in my car and wash my car every time I would be happy.

 For acts of service it's easier also to make meals, cook meals for your partner. If it's something that you know that your partner has had something that they want to work on and maybe it's too daunting for them perhaps, you can help them work on that project. If it's too big of a job then maybe you can hire somebody to help them out but you need to ask for the permission from that person because they might feel also offended that you're taking matters into your own hands and doing their work. 

So you have to understand your partner and know what works for them, and what works for you and what works for your pocket right. Make sure that you speak to whatever their needs are. You don't have to spend a lot of money on all these love languages. Acts of service is a pretty simple one like I'm talking about doing house chores, is a big one for a lot of people.

So the next one to think about is gifts. So using gifts you know or giving like a token of appreciation to express love. People who love gifts usually, you know when somebody goes on vacation and they go to the you know gift store and they pick up a little something bring it back. Whether it's a keychain, whether it's you know a little stone with  message on it they love those things and usually you see them they keep those little trinkets and keep them forever and ever. 

This used to be my primary language 5 years ago when I took this for the first time but this has shifted actually to now being my least important love language. It's also important to note that out of these 5 you will have your primary love language and your least important, and as well your second.

So for me, mine are tied words of affirmation and quality time is my top and then my least is gifts, which is funny because like I said it used to be my top. I think things changed too as we grow as we grow older and also as things change in our lives, you know we kind of...it depends on the event that's going on in your life.

So for me,I live by myself and I'm in a new place where I don't know a whole lot of people. So quality time is you know sort of rising up to the top for me because I want to spend quality time with people that I care about. Also words of affirmation because I’ve had a lot of things going on in my life where I just need somebody to affirm me and tell me that everything is gonna be okay. 

So for gifts you know it doesn't have to be expensive, it can be if you can afford it but it doesn't have to be. It could be something as simple as, you know, I was walking down the street and I saw some flowers and I picked them up for you, wildflowers and brought them home. For the person who loves gifts they will really, really appreciate that. Also for the person who likes gifts sometimes you can make something for them. Often times I’ve made have sown something for someone and if that person's love language is gifts they really, really appreciate that. So it doesn't have to be expensive it can be small and manageable and they actually really, really appreciate that.

The last language to talk about is touch, so this is physical touch. A lot of people when they think about physical touch they immediately think about sex, well yes, it's part of it but I'm talking just the touch like holding hands. For couples where one of the partners is a physical touch person, if you're walking down the street and you just hold their hand, they just love it, you know their love tank is filled just by you holding their hand. 

Hugging is another thing. A lot of people when they're leaving to go to work to go wherever they hug a lot. When you think about it actually, as babies are growing up we hold them, we kiss them, and we love up on them by holding them, that is expressing physical touch. Sometimes a pat on the back like somebody does something good you just pat him on the back and they love that so much.

I was talking to my cousin and he was telling me that his wife, physical touch is her primary love language. So he said that whenever she comes home and maybe it's been a hard day at work, all he has to do is as they are talking he just puts his hand on her and that makes her feel loved. But for some people that might have you know they're ticklish or they get startled easily. You might want to find out some creative ways of making sure that when you're patting them on the back or you're putting your hand on them it doesn't scare them, because some people jump quite easily. So you want to be very careful with this one. 

So what is the lesson in knowing the love languages. I think it's important because sometimes as couples even when you're dating even when you're single families, I think it's important to know what your loved ones love language is so that you can speak to them which is in a meaningful way for them. Because oftentimes we miss each other, you know, I'm thinking I am telling you how much I appreciate you because I know words of affirmation, but then if words of affirmation is your least important language, you know don't tell me but show me. It could be that your act or service is your primary love language. It's important to know so that you can speak to the person's you know in in a meaningful way. 

Also being mindful that the least important love language. If it is your partner's primary then you're gonna have to meet them halfway because you don't like to...like for myself I said give is now my least important. If I'm with a partner who has gifts as their primary language then when they buy me gifts I'm gonna have to realize that this is how they are communicating their love to me so that I should be okay with that. Maybe I need to communicate with them, what exactly is important to me in terms of like what would I like to receive from them.

So if you want to know what you all love language is it's a free test it's about 30 questions and the results tell you what your primary what your secondary and also what's your least important. It's just good to know and I think it's also good to take it every…I would say every two years but if there's something major happening in your life then you might want to take it because things change based on what's going on in our lives. 

So go to my website www.realloverealstories.com. It will lead you to a link where you can take this test it’s free like I said and it’s just good to know. Whether you’re in a relationship, whether you’re single, you know take it for your kids as well and know what their love language is.

So go ahead and fill up your love thank this year by understanding what your love language and what your partner’s is so you can both speak to each other’s love languages. 

Thank you so much for tuning in to this week’s episode I hope you enjoyed it. Please go to I-tunes, subscribe, rate and review, and you can always find more information on my website www.realloverealstories.com. Also,find me on social media I am on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook all under Real Love Real Stories. Till next time!  

Kanu Jacobsen